Domestic Violence and Entitlement

Written by:  Jennifer Tofaeono, Executive Director

When we speak of Domestic Violence you probably have heard about power and control.  During October we posted a picture of the Duluth Model the Power and Control Wheel on our Facebook page.  The wheel is a diagram of tactics used by abusive partners to ensure victims remain in the relationship. Tactics abusive partners use, are isolation, intimidation, emotional abuse, economic abuse, and male privilege. 
Researchers believe the main drive for abusive behavior by partners is due to male privilege or entitlement.   It is a male  notion, “I can dominate you”, “control you”, and resort to physical dominance to cause harm.  For male abusers, entitlement is attached to the core of who they are.  Many men will not relinquish entitlement and will do everything to maintain power and control over the abused.  Examples of what entitled abusers will say, “You need to do what I say, because I am the man of the house.” Many times, entitled abusers have a difficult time negotiating with their partners because they do not feel the female is equal to him.  They feel they are smarter, and better than her.  They are threatened with the thought of equality, as it lessens their manhood. 
An abuser uses entitlement as a critical part of their thought process and belief systems.  They mentally carry a belief system of superiority over their partner, but do not feel the same with other people.  When an abuser is in a work setting, they can negotiate, have healthy dialogue.  They may feel the power structure is appropriate, and it is acceptable.   Abusers feel their partners are NOT entitled to negotiate or respond because there is no equality in the relationship.  He is the authority in the relationship and entitled to hold the power and control  of the relationship.
Domestic violence is defined as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship practiced by one partner to gain or maintain control over another intimate partner.  It is a learned behavior.  Substance abuse such as drugs, or alcohol can lead to incidences of violence. The sense of entitlement in the abuser allows them to beat and batter their partner.  Because it is learned, we recognized we can unlearn negative behavior. 
Most abusers when asked why they abuse, will say they have witnessed the behavior from other family members, and it may be intergenerational (from father, grandfather, uncle, etc).  Samoan men  have shared stories where they were beaten by their parents and do the same to their children, as well as wives/partner. Growing up in an abusive environment will automatically have toxic behavior.  It is important to remember distance from abusive behavior, and time can be the beginning of adopting new and healthier behaviors.
Follow us as we continue to discuss ways to change behavior. If you have additional questions, please email: asadsv@gmail.com title the email “Male Entitlement”.  An Alliance staff will respond to your questions.