Learning How to Deescalate Violent Behavior Can Lead to Healthier Families

Written by Jennifer F Tofaeono, Executive Director, Alliance      
    American Samoa increasingly has problems with alcoholism, drugs, factors that influence domestic and sexual violence.  Movies tell us We were once warriors. We have rich history of family lineage, and the Fa’aSamoa that binds us.  Our “Aiga” make us stand out, and our language give us power.  Understanding how we got here is confusing, particularly after you find yourself calling the police station for help, or you’re being arrested for domestic abuse, or sexual assault.  In this work I read and learn about the impacts of violence in our community, and families.  Colonial processes have been marginalizing indigenous peoples for many years. The adoption of westernized and patriarchal belief systems—where inclusiveness depends on your family lineage, ability to speak Samoan, or how Samoan you are influence how we see violence. 
                As the Executive Director of the Alliance, I engage with others who work to dismantle the systems that perpetuate family violence.  The stories in the paper that expose violence in our community means we have  lot to unpack.  The additional layer of alcohol abuse, drug abuse, the choices we make to “live life” influences  the way we respond to a difficult situation. Substance abuse is NOT why we engage in acts of domestic violence, like when a spouse beats their partner.  It takes away the ability to chose better ways to relate when the “good time” stops. Drug usage increases acts of violence, witnessed in our community.  For family members who imbibe it changes their behavior, their thinking patterns, creating a downward spiral of choices.  The violence is reported everyday in our local news, from the newspapers, radio stories, and social media—we can read about violence happening in our homes and families every day.
                In American Samoa we have limited social services support for the myriad of social, family issues our families face.  We know violence is happening, and resources are scarce.  It is crucial  we provide tools within our families to strengthen the response to violence.  I think safety is one of the most important things we can teach.  Safety can be planning, making sure if you’re spouse, partner, or parent are going to be consuming alcohol, plan to be somewhere else.  Develop the conversations to remind loved ones (when they are sober), these drugs impact our relationships.  Learn to deescalate situations by having conversations that are safe, and not filled with anger. Listen to what the issue is and allow for people to provide their concerns.  Do not blame each other or try to use intimidation.  Remember to not be judgmental and keep your tone and body language neutral.  Set limitations on the conversations—you can say, “Things are getting heated, let’s take a break.” Make sure that you acknowledge each other’s concerns and work out possible agreements.  Remain calm during the discussions, and practice active listening.  Be sincere and develop steps to solve the problem. 
No one ever said relationships are easy, but they can be good.  Many Samoan families stay together, unfortunately their homes are built on trauma.  It impacts our ability to be healthy and respond in love to those who we love.  It’s time to find a different way for American Samoa to respond to violence.      

Photo retrieved from Violence against women in Pacific Rates amongst worst in world--thecoconet.tv https://www.thecoconet.tv/cocoblog/violence-against-women-in-pacific-rates-amongst/